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 English jokes 
Factory Workers

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
"

The Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
 A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Scientists & The Dog

Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. 
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs. 
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg. 
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

Jerk

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!


Clean Water

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

Three Turtles

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

Not My Friend

Sardar Ji to Laloo: Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.

Laloo rushed home angrily.

After half an hour, he came back and slapped the Sardar ji. 

Laloo said: You fool, he is not my friend.


An Apple A Day

A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl.
Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday. 
Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ?? 
Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!


Height Problem

Wife: Honey, if I die would you get married again?
Husband: No dear. 
Wife: I'm sure you would. 
Annoyed husband: Okay, I would. 
Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed? 
Husband: Ya, I guess so. 
Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes. 
Husband: No, she is taller than you.

100 Rs

A man buys a ticket for Rs 100 and wins the lottery of 1 crore. He goes to claim it.
Man: I want Rs 1 crore.
Lottery Agent: We give you 10 lakh today. The rest amount will be paid in next 6 months.
Man: Oh, no! I want all my money right now. If you don't do it today, then I want my Rs 100 back.

You Are A Housewife

One day a man spotted an old brass lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off of it, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You are a housewife."

Problems An Apple Can Make

Apple = Vitamins
Vitamins = Power 
Power = Work
Work = Money 
Money = GF 
GF = Tension 
Tension = Heart Attack 
Heart Attack = Death 

"See what all problwms an apple can make"

Two Tigers Were Resting Under A Tree

 Two Tigers were resting under a tree
Suddenly a RABBIT passed very fast
Tiger could not make out & asked
"What was that?"

2nd Tiger smiled and said:

...Fast Food...

Pizza And An Apple

A pizza and an apple were thrown down from the 15th floor.
Which will reach down first?

Ans: The Pizza,as it's fast food! Lol 

Accident With His New Ferrari

A man meets an accident with his new Ferrari.
 
Policemen arrives.

Man:- (cried) Officer! My brand new car!

Police replied:- You're suchmaterialistic.
You even haven't notice that your left
arm has been cut off.
 
Man-: (He looks at his left arm and yells.)
OMG! My Rolex watch!...

Height Of Fb Addiction

 A boy's FACEBOOK status: i'm online on fb during lecture... Haha...

Comment from his teacher: get out of the class now...
 
...PRINCIPLE liked comment..

Mirror

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

Smile Please

A sardarji photographer is focusing
a dead body's face in a funeral function,
suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him.
why? He said "SMILE PLEASE"

You Are Seeing My Wife

Sardarji & his wife going to city in auto.
 Driver adjusted mirror.
Sardarji shouted you are seeing my wife.

Go & sit back. I will drive auto...

What Is The Fastest Thing In World?

Four guys
 1 from Harward
1 Oxford
1 Texas
&
a Sardar from Pujab university

1 common question: What is the fastest thing in world?

Oxford: Light

Harvard: Thought
 
Texas: Blink of an eye

Sardar: Its loose motions, because last night I was lying in my bed& before I could blink,think or turn on the lights,
it was over!

Trying To Be Over Smart

Jin: What Do U Want ?
 
Boy: A Beautifull Wife

Jin: If U R Muslim I’ll Give U Mahnoor Baloch If U R Hindu I”ll Give U Kareena Kapoor & If U R Christian I”ll Give U
Angelina Jolie Whats UR Name?
 
Boy: HAJI AKSHAY WILLIAM
 
Jin: Gave Him Firdous Ashiq Awan
 
For Trying To Be Over Smart


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